This week is #NationInfertilityWeek and all week long I haven't been able to shake the sense that I am supposed to write this piece. Scrolling through social media I am struck by the beautiful ways the infertility community is sharing their bravery and strength. That same bravery is what inspired me to get candid about our story exactly a year ago. Although it is a very personal decision for every woman, I knew that sharing my story was going to be an important part of my journey. This week is so much more than a hashtag for me. It was the start of my liberation.
I felt so much shame by keeping this huge part of our lives buried inside. Around every corner there were questions about having children and navigating those conversations made me realize that the more honest I was, the more empowered I felt. Every time I talked about this part of my life, I began to realize that I had a voice that was worth hearing. So often when you are battling infertility you are also battling comparative thinking. You are so worried that someone else has it worse, or has been trying for longer, or has been more impacted...the list goes on. In those moments it is easy to forget that no matter where you are in the journey, it is still your story to tell.
After many discussions with Blair, my therapist, my #foreverfriend and my journal, I knew it was the right time. So I began to craft my message in my iphone notes. I probably re-wrote it a thousand times over the month of April. But as #infertilityweek started to wind down, I knew I just had to hit post. And I am so glad that I did. In that moment it felt like I was able to take some control of the narrative. Although I am not in control of how soon we get pregnant, I can be in charge of sharing our story.
In many ways this blog is the very real representation of that growth. It is a place where I can share my life, honestly and sincerely. And a lot of that life includes infertility right now. It felt like coming into my whole self to share these stories right alongside the rest of our life.
Since posting a year ago the support and encouragement has been overwhelming. I may be in the midst of this fight, but I am so far from alone. Infertility can sometimes be so incredibly isolating. But in those moments, having a community to reach out to is absolutely crucial. Although social media is a lot of things, for me it has been very healing. I was able to find woman in the same circumstance and band together in the #TTC (trying to conceive) community. It has allowed me to grow closer to the people in my life that have a hard time asking about our journey and it has given me my voice back.
"My hope in sharing this part of our story is that you will join us in praying, hoping and dreaming of our perfect little love. That on the days when we need some grace, or an extra hug that you will know why. We want you to know the whole story behind those two pink lines, when they finally do appear."
As I look back on these words I wrote in my post, I am stunned that so much of what I was wishing for found its way to me. The grace, hope and love that I was yearning to find came to me in ways I never could have pictured. I never thought that being this open and vulnerable would lead to such a sense of strength, but that is just what happened. Sharing our story has been the most liberating part of this experience. And no matter how you choose to honor the hard things in your life, I hope you find a way that gives you peace and freedom.
We are still waiting for those two pink lines, but now there is an army of community waiting with us. Even sitting on the cold bathroom floor waiting for our test results, I can literally sense your energy with me. I feel a little drum beat of hope that is so much more than just my own heartbeat. Thank you for showing up and helping to hold the weight of our journey. You will never know what a relief that is.