I think for anyone who has encountered infertility it is easy to pinpoint the exact moment everything changed. For me, that day came two years ago as I stood in the back staircase at work and answered a call from my doctor's office. After months of trying to conceive with no positive pregnancy test and absolutely no period, we were praying for answers. The doctor sighed as she indicated that my blood work was indicative of PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. PCOS. PCOS. PCOS. Those were the only words I could hear. With the whisper of those four letters the page turned and all the sudden life started a new chapter.
Now let me back up, I am an avid researcher. I feel more secure just knowing the possibilities in life and control is my cocaine. So when I started to miss my period (and still was not pregnant) I began my own crusade to find out the possible suspect. For some time I had suspected PCOS was the culprit, but with that diagnosis comes even more uncertainty. There are more questions than answers when it comes to infertility and PCOS. So when the doctor uttered those four letters anxiety took hold. To be honest, it took months to wrangle the anxiety back into its corner.
The last two years have been filled with an insane amount of research, therapy, natural remedies, Femara, Clomid, an inter-uterine insemination (more on this later) and still no pregnancy yet. But we are closer; closer to our dream baby, closer as a couple and closer to the people we want to be.
It's surreal to imagine that moment in the staircase was two years ago already. I still want to be a mom more than anything. I still know it is my calling and through the process of chasing that dream I have also become a warrior. You see, the thing the scared Symone in that staircase wouldn't have believed two years ago is that I am better because of this journey. Now don't get me wrong, there are still moments when seeing a mom with a stroller brings back that all too familiar lump in my throat. But the one thing that has been instrumental in making me feel connected and brave throughout the process is finding other women that are open and vulnerable about their journey with infertility, too. I hope this platform will allow me to be a voice and story to encourage those on their own paths. I am a fiercer, braver more vulnerable woman because of battling infertility. And I will be a much better mom because of it. And so will you.